Happy f**king birthday to me

Well today is may 35 birthday AND I HATE IT!
Been to the doc today and he said he couldn't say whats wrong, probably something that they can't fix surgically as I thought. And that it could be the tumor I have in my kidney that could case the pain....

My birthday and hospitals = SH*T
When I was 6 years old I spent 3 weeks in a coma at the hospital during my birthday, i had glandular fever, new to the doctors...
12 years old got to spend my birthday and Christmas at the hospital for meningitis.
At 18 i lost my first son, and yes that was on my 18: Th birthday....

I hate this day!
Said goodbye to someone today that I really liked a lot.
Totally and utterly stupid....hate my self today....

Tried to turn it around by getting married on my birthday 2005, but no...
It came back to bite me hard today.

Why do thing like this always happen to me?
Have I done something so immensely wrong in a past life (if there are past lives) that I should have all the sh*t they can find to throw at me and that I should just stay happy and smile...

F**K no I will not except this, want to take me home god, well then do it, don't make my family or the people I care about hurt like this...

I don't want to have this pain anymore....

I'm ready to give up today.
They will all do better without me; I'm no good for anybody now.
Going for some more tests next week, hate it.

And I lost my friend...
I truly believe that it is my fate, to find him and then to lose him.
Never ever felt this way before, not for somebody I haven't even met. Maybe it's because I'm hurting and he reached out to me, and boy did I grab him, to strongly to say the least, stupid...
He listened and that was what I needed, but he gave me something more, I got to feel wanted again like I mattered to someone, and I really told him how I felt, big mistake.

Got a call right now about some badges to our keychains….. like I really want to talk about that today with a sales person….

NO

Hate this…