So right but then again so wrong

Got a bad feeling today, somethings wrong, so very wrong. Can't really say exactly what but there are something, or a lot of things oh so wrong in my life right now, miss the feeling of being alive, to feel wanted and to be important to someone.
Don't know how to change the outcome of the interaction with H. I guess I only have to do the right thing and be honest.
I do not need this in my life right now, I need my son, and that is the most important thing in the world.

I need to feel that someone cares about me, someone that I care about, not just anybody, that I already got.

Am I so hung up on my own reality? I have a hard time to see that there are a lot of people around me that do care. I know they are there but I can't lean on them. I just can not as they can't give or help me with my needs.

I feel so selfish right now, hate that feeling as it hurts a lot be course I know I'm not aloud to feel this way. Its not proper to feel the way I do and its not mutual.

This life is not for me, but I don't know how to change it, I did have some help to deal with it a while back but, I ruined that by being, I guess me and there were some other issues there as well, but I did what I usually do, talk to much and say a lot of misleading things that are (in 9 of 10) times misunderstood.

Miss my friend

What

My lovescope for February 14, 2009
The planetary alignment today encourages you to loosen up when it comes to your close relationships.
If you have been pursuing someone with a certain very determined singleness of purpose, and not really getting anywhere, then it may be best to leave well enough alone, and to try your luck somewhere else.
The only problem is that it may not be all that easy to let go.

Ok NOT!!!!!

Don’t want to do this, don’t like this, don’t know how to deal with this, don’t know....
I hate this, I really don’t know…
stuff like this really makes me so mad..

DON’T LIE TO ME!!!!!

Hate that, really really upset …..
Need time, time to think, to be able to feel the way I do is not human…
Well I guess I’m not in your thought or in your life anymore and that really hurt…
Did already know that but when it hits you it hits you HARD!!!
Got to let go….
Want to, but cannot….need you so bad, need to talk to you, need to ask you something…
but it’s not up to me anymore and I can’t help but to feel so very useless and miserable about that.
Why can you not just email me, tell me to stay away? To get lost, that would be easier than this…
Why the silent… guess silence tells me a lot but is it your choice, or is it something else.

Really true?!?

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

Well why?

Ok got some things to do before I come to a decision about what to do, got to call my doc, and find out if there are other alternatives than regular medicine..
Not easy, but it sure can’t hurt...not more that it already does..

I’m sure of what I got to do but I hesitate... why? I don’t know.

Sometimes life is not fair at all...

Please can someone hit me hard so that I don’t wake up until 2010?
I would pay for it… or not… but this is really not my year… not at all, and it does not matter what I do, I will in my mind do the wrong choice anyway..

Really don’t like this at all, where is my lifeboat?
Were do I turn if I get stranded? Nowere…

I simply got to ride this wave on my own.. even if I get stranded I will not contact you, you made your choice and that was to not have contact with me… and you havent.

Really mad at you… for turning my world up side down but at the same time really thankful that I did find you.. (or you found me that is…)
Can’t belive that you just let me go that easy…
Feels like I meant nothing to you and I probably did not, but you meant a lot to me..

Feeling alone and powerless right now, feel miserable and hurt a lot..
My own mistake though and I know that, got to get this week behind me…