Miss you like crazy...

Never thought I would... But I do..Miss you so much

I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and I hope that it will be great for you.
Just like to clarify something, I do love h but as a companion or a friend, the "in" love and passion went flying on that road in Greece 1997, why I don't know, and I've been trying to get it back ever sense, not doing to good tough...
Why we married? For the convenience if something would ever happen to any off us that everything would go to our son.
Didn't get married in church but at the city hall... I never made him any promises... Not that it matters, since things are the way that they are, just wanted to let you know why...

I'm really trying to stay away from you but its so hard....miss talking to you.... Not doing so good..
I'm sorry, will try to stay away even more...

I will not send you this...

sick

Read my horoscope today..... It said:
You may be getting frustrated with love and romance,
dear Sagittarius, because they seem to be causing more
tension than calm and relaxation.
No one said love was easy, but it doesn't have to be
completely miserable, either.
The key is to not get too stressed out about the little things.
Know and expect that not everything is going to exactly
match your highest expectations.
There are many aspects of a relationship you simply cannot control
- namely, the other person.

Haven’t written here for a while and I can’t recap everything that has happened, but it’s a lot…
Don’t know if I get the truth out or not but I’ll try if the mood is right..

Don’t know if I want to know even…
Well I do but only in a good way, I don’t want to listen to the bad parts, as do we all…

Christmas came and went and I survived that’s about it..
Got some stupid gifts from my mother-in-law…
A nightgown and a broom with a shuffle…
What’s the underline there… keep it clean and dress when you get to bed…
I do think its great because if I hadn’t got anything from her I would not get anything at all..
That’s life for you… I did get all the gifts and I did gift rapped them but didn’t get anything in return at all not even a thank you…
Thank you for that…

Never mind, I am sad today…
Don’t know why maybe it’s because it looks like I’m not going to talk to my friend tonight…
That’s a shame, would really like to do that…
And I did really want to see my friend…
To bad for me, well I think I’ll cope anyway…. But it’s to bad, will not be able to talk for some days now.
Don’t know what to think about that either…

Got a reminder today that I am and always will be a woman..
Well sure it’s Christmas but why does everything have to be red…….. Get it?

Sometimes life not fair at all, like today, hurt a lot today….
Will be grumpy tomorrow… to tired and to week actually to be grumpy…

Sad though that’s one thing I know how to be and I am…
I really like the way I feel when I am with my friend, don’t know what he feels though…

And that’s kind of sad that to, don’t know if I can tell him though…
He will probably be mad at me…

Would not be the first time and I don’t think it would be the last either, unhappily…

Stupid… I am so stupid sometimes… I’m in a mess, and I don’t know how to o this, don’t want to stop and I do want to know… feeling down…

Oh… I am not alone anymore…

Darn

The car won't start

strange

Was at a Christmas party last night, it was fun.
Had a chat with my friend last night also..
Can’t understand why I feel like this…
Think I just got to stay in the now and here; don’t need to think about why and what right now. I just have to stay in the present, I feel happy and that’s how I’m keeping it..

I hope at least. If he doesn’t twist on me again…and I hope not…

I really like him.. in a strange way…

Even though we never met it feel like I don’t want to be apart.. Does that make sense NO…

bye

Why did I do this....

Can not believe it would feel like that........

Never been through anything like that before, it was uncomfortable, and it really hurt ... a lot...

How do you say that it hurts when you have a tube down your neck that is most similar to a garden hose ... can not talk then of course ... it was terrible ...

The panic feeling was unbelievable, and I really had difficult to lie still, it was a tremendous feeling of pain, and a tremendous feeling of being extradited to the care and the doctor who spoke at a stretch, he broke in Danish so it was not that he was easy to understand either ...

Never felt so alone, so scared and so small...
Incredibly frightening, hate this...

Could have been ok, if they found anything, the doctor began to talk about that it may be lactose intolerance.... mmmmm think not, it hurts all the time even if I haven’t eaten or drink anything at all...

I'll never again want to be a part of that, never in my life, would rather be behind a truck in handcuffs on a sand road, naked.... THAT’S HOW BAD IT WAS!!

Got an email from my friend when I was leaving the hospital though and that helped..

So drained…

and why do I feel so ..........

good at the same time I’m hurting really bad...

Talked to my friend yesterday and that was great so say the least..

Can’t understand why, it doesn’t matter, what I get is maybe not enough but very close as is...
I’m making no sense here, cryptic and maybe it’s for me to understand and reflect on but, dear reader (if there are any, lol), not for you.

I started this blog for me, and I am keeping it that way, if you are reading fine it’s up to you.

I'm scared about tomorrow.. Don’t want to go to the doctor, no I guess I do but I don’t want to do this alone, H never even asked if he should go with me...
And if he asks today I am not up for that, I kind of got set on doing this alone anyway now...

Hate being sick and I hate that I feel sick some times.
I didn’t yesterday but today though.

Well that’s life I guess and I really, really would like for it to be different right now, its hard to feel happy and so utterly sad at the same time..

I’m scared of fading away as well.

Feel so messed up, so out of control, but at the same time, I feel that I’m having the time of my life I’m doing exactly what I want and I don’t regret anything I do now..
Even if I have done some stupid things….and I just don’t think that I would… ever… never ever… I did, and I’m actually happy about that.

Strange feelings in a strange world..

Got a friend of my child here today, I wish I could just rap them together and throw them out… what a kid, absolutely nothing but disobedience and naughtiness in that boy..
I feel for his parents… they must have a hard time with him; he even put a fork in his dads hand AT MCDONALDS….ran inside to the kitchen trying to destroy everything…
Its lucky for him that I were not there to see that because if I would have been there I would not take in to consideration that it was not my child….

Somebody give me strength to go past this day …..

Hope I make it tomorrow without being to sad.

See you.

earthquake

Well now I have a real problem..
I don’t know what to do, my friend told me to get lost 2 days ago and I kind of knew that he meant it this time…

But NO, got an email last night… and I think I made him mad again…
He used a phrase I did not understand and that got me mad, it was a misunderstanding…

WHY? I overreacted as usual; I really don’t think that he will forgive me this time…

This is not funny at all, I got really happy to see his mail but why does he use expressions and sayings that I don’t understand, told him to be specific and that I do not understand insinuations in a language I do not speak everyday.
Sent him a reply last night and another email today but no answer….

This is not fun, woke up today as there was an earthquake where I live, the biggest one in 100 years.
4,7 on the Richter scale, shock the hole house, got scared, but at the same time it gave a thrill, I’m not used to that.

Actually rather cool to have been a part of that..
Have been a part of a lot of things but I never been in a earthquake that big before, actually it was the 3:rd time I ever been in one.

Life is strange….

sh*ts

Well it’s now Sunday and I don’t really like Sundays, they depress me...

But my friend did answer me.
He wants to be my friend but I really don’t know how this can go on anymore, feels like my last emails has been writing here to my self and I haven’t got any answers to my questions really, so I kind of get it, he wants me to sod off actually but hasn’t got the guts to tell me that so he keeps on writing direct answers to stupid stuff but nothing else, think its to put me off I guess. And that hurts, if he didn’t want to be my friend what would it cost him to tell me so..
He told me that he could not go on like we did before and I got that, left him alone but missed him terribly so I emailed him and now what…

This is it, well I guess I have to ask don’t I.

Not fun at all, don’t even know why I’m writing about it here as I really don’t want anyone to know what a sorry as I am.

Well think you actually really figured that out by now any whey.

Got to sleep now, got to work tomorrow, feel like sh*t and I don’t want my friends at work to say I look like shit again…

Got to sleep………

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA can I take it back!

no i cant but boy do I feel stupid right now, why did i send that email...
stupid, stupid me...
I wish I could take it back...
Feels so silly and stupid now ones i sent it..
He'll think I'm stalking him, why do I do things like that!!!!

Why don't I think..........

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG

Got to crawl today....

wrote a letter to my friend today, stupid, but i really miss him as just a friend....

This is probably the most stupid email I’ve ever written.

After getting some perspective on things and finding out that life’s to short I started to understand.

I put all my emotions on him I kind of didn’t know how to deal with that at that time.
I really miss our emails.
I miss somebody to talk about funny, intelligent and goofy things.
I came to think about him today as I was driving home from work –it started snowing- and I really wanted to tell him that.


So I actually wrote him (can’t believe i did that) begging him to be my friend.

Hope he answers me but I really dont think he will.
Lifes to short to hold a grudge to anybody and maybe he will understand.

well who knows.......

forgot

I got a nice silver necklace from my colleagues today, absolutely beautiful with little flowers and a black stone.

Happy f**king birthday to me

Well today is may 35 birthday AND I HATE IT!
Been to the doc today and he said he couldn't say whats wrong, probably something that they can't fix surgically as I thought. And that it could be the tumor I have in my kidney that could case the pain....

My birthday and hospitals = SH*T
When I was 6 years old I spent 3 weeks in a coma at the hospital during my birthday, i had glandular fever, new to the doctors...
12 years old got to spend my birthday and Christmas at the hospital for meningitis.
At 18 i lost my first son, and yes that was on my 18: Th birthday....

I hate this day!
Said goodbye to someone today that I really liked a lot.
Totally and utterly stupid....hate my self today....

Tried to turn it around by getting married on my birthday 2005, but no...
It came back to bite me hard today.

Why do thing like this always happen to me?
Have I done something so immensely wrong in a past life (if there are past lives) that I should have all the sh*t they can find to throw at me and that I should just stay happy and smile...

F**K no I will not except this, want to take me home god, well then do it, don't make my family or the people I care about hurt like this...

I don't want to have this pain anymore....

I'm ready to give up today.
They will all do better without me; I'm no good for anybody now.
Going for some more tests next week, hate it.

And I lost my friend...
I truly believe that it is my fate, to find him and then to lose him.
Never ever felt this way before, not for somebody I haven't even met. Maybe it's because I'm hurting and he reached out to me, and boy did I grab him, to strongly to say the least, stupid...
He listened and that was what I needed, but he gave me something more, I got to feel wanted again like I mattered to someone, and I really told him how I felt, big mistake.

Got a call right now about some badges to our keychains….. like I really want to talk about that today with a sales person….

NO

Hate this…

How do they do that

How do people look so great even when they are stressed out, I feel and look like sh*
t when I do. It's not funna at all.
today at work everybody said that i looked like hell to be honest but what do they know, they dont know how i feel, they dont know how mutch i hurt and they dont know how mutch it hurts me when they say thins like that, well F**K them, feeling sad and lonly today.

to bad for my sorry soul

Well trying to cope here with all the things I’m feeling right now; don’t know how to deal with this to be frank.

Going to the doc tomorrow. Scared not knowing how to deal with the fear.

Why do things like this happen to me, it’s the story of my life actually.

I’m finding stuff/things/people all the time and I always miss out on them because I am stupid....

Maybe I should not trust my feelings as I have done in the past, or maybe it’s just the right thing for me to do.

To make this even worse I really hurt, both in my body and in my soul...
s**t beep beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeep
Can’t curse in English even if I want to I will not sink to that level.
How come I always have to give in why can’t I get what I want.

Stupid me, you have to be two for that and I'm so all alone in this, even though I have H.
H does not know about this and I hope he never will as it’s actually none of his business, kind of harsh I know but why do I always have to share…

Why can’t I be the one to be happy for a while?
Don’t think that it’s in the cards for me or is it?

I’m not sure that I can write this as I really don’t know if H can get a hold of this but I will try to find out if he knows he sort of saw when I made the blogg but I told him that I was just playing around with this application, and I do have other bloggs as well.

But non like this, this is straight from the heart, no lies, just me.
I’m so afraid to die that I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to leave my son to grow up without his mom.
But I guess that’s in the cards for me, why?

Talk again soon, bye

This is not fun

Well this is nothing funny, so if you are in for a laugh don't read.
I feel like s**t right now, lost everything and then some.

Welcome to nobody

well this will be my diary for a while now.
Care to read it, well please do but you better be prepared that it will not be to happy as I'm feeling like sh*t right now....

Maybe i should set this dairy to closed, well no, i does not matter ain't nobody reading it anyway.

well talk soon again...